This is a long and deeply personal post all about a profound experience I recently had. In honor of World Health Day and Child Abuse Prevention Month, I plan to share it with you in an effort to break generational habits of secrets and hidden truths buried beneath a blanket of self-shame. I will never again subscribe to ‘what happens in the house, stays in this house’. Instead, I invite you in. Pull up a chair, get comfortable, and thank you for being here as always.
Through some business mentoring conversations and opportunities I have had recently, it has become very clear that I am in constant struggle internally and it is exhausting. There are parts of me that have found themselves emblazoned in a nasty game of tug-o-war on the battlefields in my mind. Without cooperation of these parts, I am struggling to move forward in so many meaningful ways. As one of my mentors would say, “You are the poison, and you are the antidote.” I am my own worst enemy. During my most recent session, I began Parts Integration Therapy. I will say it again and again- this job has saved my life in so many unexpected ways.
In case you are not familiar, Parts Integration Therapy is used when parts of your subconscious are at odds with each other. In this case, I have a subconscious part of me from my childhood trauma that is contentious with my adult subconscious. It leaves me often feeling anxious, frustrated, and exhausted from overthinking. It is not uncommon for the human brain to protect you, but I need for these two to collaborate so that I can move forward. So let me set the scene…
My mentor had me talk to, listen and name the two parts. The first part that I acknowledged was named, Scared. She was small, represented by a blank vinyl figure, rocking and whimpering in a ball in a corner of an empty dark room. She just wants to hide- wants nothing more than to be left alone. She feels pressured and misery sneaks in often. She tries so hard, but something always happens to remind her she will never be good enough. It is a hard existence to just get through every day trying to minimize the inevitable cracks that let through stress and misfortune. She just wants to be safe. She hunkers behind a shield for security with the goal of avoiding as much harm as possible, but the shrapnel always finds a way through. God, she just wants to take up space, but it is lonely here. The dark makes it easier to beat herself up for all that she isn’t. I’m reaching to understand why she does what she does and for what higher purpose, but it’s hard to go to her. I don’t want to be back in this space. It feels desperate and the hope and light just seep away so fast in that corner where her back is to the wall. It is oppressive. She doesn’t want to be here either, but she can’t find a way out. She wants nothing more than calm. She wants security. God, she wants to break these bonds!
The other part is named Audacity. She is also a blank figure, but she didn’t make noise, talk or move. She is bathed in light, taking up space with her broad shoulder, legs slightly apart and arms crossed over her chest. She’s keeping her distance from Scared. She towers over Scared, but not in an authoritative or confrontational way. She isn’t condescending, but she does hold herself differently. She’s expanded her space to allow light and joy in. The tough is just a small part of her, because she focuses on the good and follows gratitude always. She is focused on living life fully. She dreams really big and it doesn’t mean she isn’t scared, but she knows she is creating freedom for herself. Part of what frees her is pouring her heart and soul and gifts out in service to others so that they can be lifted up. She needs to give, needs to connect, needs to feel like she belongs because that is purpose for her. When she has community, she is elated- filled with excitement and is content with the life she has created.
My mentor asked me what Scared has that Audacity would love to have. Scared is resilient- she knows how to cope when life feels harsh. Scared has built her own safety and it has served her when she needed it most. She knows how to comfort herself.
What resources does Audacity have that Scared would love to have? Audacity has confidence and that allows her to keep an open mind towards possibility. She is forward thinking and has created spaciousness in her life to allow for dreaming. She is vibrant. She glows like beacon calling those towards her.
My mentor asked me to bring Scared and Audacity together now. They didn’t hesitate. My two hands came to my heart because there is so much love there. That cavernous distance that had spread between them vanished in an instant. Scared, who had been too low to come out from hiding, jumped up and ran to Audacity. Audacity opened her arms wide to embrace Scared and got down on one knee within seconds to hold Scared tighter. She came down to her level. The dark slinked back like a fog hit hard by the breaking of daylight.
We talked about how powerful integration of these two parts is. Child to adult. Another broken human being took away what should have been a young child’s rights, security, and self-worth. There may have been many in my life who loved and supported me, but it only took one person to beat back the best parts of me and leave me clinging to scraps of my tattered self. When my abuser was no longer in my life, I took over because I wasn't quite sure how to live without constant negative feedback. I’ve never cried harder in my 42 years of life than when I said out loud, “I was always good.” Those two parts I have, both have so much worthiness, so much good, and now that they are one, we will be unstoppable, despite all odds. You see, I have become the person that little girl needed so badly and she has given me everything to forge this beautiful path forward for myself. They are not so very different in many ways. They both need contentment and room to breathe. They both need to be comfortable and safe. They both need security, love and belonging. And they both deserve to exist. Together will always be better. So, cheers to new beginnings, bonding, healing, joy, love and happy endings!